I kind of touched on this in my first blog entry, but it feels like nowadays your actual life is your 'brand' (which is a term that always feels icky to me, we're human beings not brands and it's scary how disconnected people get towards seeing "content creators" as actual people), whereas before the internet used to be more of an escape from the daily performance we go through in our real lives and I think this is where I've always struggled. There used to be a clearer divide between our online and offline selves which allowed us to explore personality facets that we normally kept under wraps. I remember back in the day I'd of died if my school friends found my online accounts because having your internet personality and interests known outside of the internet was embarrassing as hell! It was a different side of myself that I didn't feel I could share with them, a more authentic, dorky side where I could let my freak flag fly. It was all about weirdness, niche communities, fandom, reclamation and creative experimentation, and communicating to like-minded people and being part of an underground movement. We could all create stuff regardless of natural talent, camera equipment, editing software, or social media reach, and blogs were messy with florescent backgrounds, flashing graphics, badly spaced formatting, and it was everything that I loved about it. People shared random photos they took without caring about picture quality and good lighting and nice editing because people were just having fun documenting things that were important to them in that moment. And that's what I miss!
As social media has become more and more monetized people's motivations have changed, and now we're constantly performing for the consumption of others and online culture has become very much rooted in our physical presence so there’s no longer the wide divide between our 'offline' and 'online' selves. Even people's online handles are often their real name, which is WILD to me when you think of that internet paper trail following you around and the fact that I've personally just always appreciated having the two worlds separate. I don't want my employer or people I don't really like finding my online space because it's MINE and it would make me feel like I had to filter myself down if I felt like I was being judged for it because I've been bullied enough in my life to know that people won't always come into our personal spaces with kind intentions. Our internet activities can so easily affect our offline lives now, and where are you supposed to escape to when you want to express something other than your combined online/offline self?
I’ve always had this desperate Anxiety that I’m not living my life to it’s fullest and I try to live up to others expectations of how I should be. I end up feeling like I either have to go all out to prove myself or reel myself in completely, only to then grow resentful of the box I've put myself in and the people who think they know me from this fictionalized version of myself I put out there in an attempt to try and fit in and find my place. I want to be less afraid of what I share, to be vulnerable and honest and unapologetic without feeling the expectations of strangers who don't even know me but think they do. I want to blog like we used to, when you could just capture a moment and it was enough for the novelty of your photo being posted somewhere on the internet without any extra clout. We were impressed with any sort of like minded little corner we found ourselves in, small groups banded together sending clunky letters of admiration back and forth without any toxicity of lurking or judgement.
Anyway, I've been writing this on and off for like 2 days, I'm currently typing this while watching the worst adaptation of Dracula I've ever seen while trying to recover from a horrid flu. A lot is happening! Hope this was of interest to you!
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